Resume

In an unremarkable year, in the City of Rubber Tires, a child was born. The sun continued to rise and fall, the sparrows did not change their tune, nor did the Cuyahoga, that crooked river, cease its slow trudge towards the northern shore. They named the child Bob, for that was his father's name.

"I want to matter!" cried Bob to the world. "If I will not matter, then strike me down now!" The world did nothing, for it was not listening. Yet Bob drew his own conclusions.

He has been called Genius, Idiot, No Common Sense, Smartest Person I Know, Any More Mellow and He'd Be Dead, Like Other People I've Met, Very Talented, What Beautiful Curly Hair, and Beaker.

Bob went forth, striving to matter. He got a bachelors in Computer Science and a Masters in Math, all in four years from Carnegie Mellon. He designed Perpetual Motion Machines, Dyson Spheres, and the Maraca (non)cryptographic hash. But all these did not work. He invented Symmetric Multistep Formulae for Orbital Mechanics, Ideal Voting Methods, and Regression Testing Strategies. But all these were just reinventions of what others had done before.

"I am a genius," thought Bob, "Yet there are others more geniusy than I. I shall undertake Gruntwork that requires both Perseverance and Understanding, so that I shall find a Niche where I Will Matter". He found his third cousins and told them who their third cousins were. He implemented snapshots, delete cascade constraints, character semantics, and functional indexes for Oracle. He worked on the Cosmos Store and Scope language at Microsoft. He designed hash functions for hash table lookup, which have been used far and wide. He put all the Boy Scout Skits he knew on the web. He married and had three children who want lots of attention.

By doing this Bob has found a way to Matter. But only a little, and in ways that are not widely noticed.

If you're looking for my real resume, it's over here